How can I REALLY believe?

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What do I really believe? I know I’ve said a hundred times that the only reason I got into paranormal investigating was to disprove everything, but maybe that isn’t the case.  The only reason I think I really got into this was to hopefully find something, ANYTHING, I just can’t explain and really deem it to be paranormal. Even though I’ve had a LOT of strange things happen, can I really say it’s from someone that used to be alive? Not just my brain manifesting something and bringing it to life? I just don’t know. I hope so. The older I get, the more answers I wish I had, but I just have MORE questions. I have felt something touch my back, I have felt my hair being pulled, I’ve seen a dark shadow connecting to NO one living, I’ve gotten some awesome EVPs that I know can’t be anyone in the room, but is that enough? I don’t think it is. I think in order for me to truly believe, someone I know that has died, is going to have to appear to me as a full bodied apparition and tell me I have nothing to fear. Which I know is basically impossible. I feel sorry for me that I can’t just BELIEVE.  When I used to go to Church, I really did believe it, until I started to question things, then my mind made it virtually impossible for me to believe anymore. It sucks. I liked having blind faith and thinking that I would be completely cared for. Sadly, I don’t have that anymore, I wish I could have it back. Rationality can be a curse sometimes. Anyway, just something I was thinking about, how to make myself REALLY believe, I mean REALLY believe…hmmmm.

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